Daniel Sanchez: Protecting and Serving BS
By Mark Feigenbutz/Photos by Amanda Tyler
Every week, Mark Feigenbutz accosts an
unsuspecting peon and crosses their boundaries.
Will you be next? Yes, you will.
His name? Daniel Sanchez. Is major? Music. His occupation? Laying on couches. Not really. His occupation is aiding the Creative Writing lounge, which is why he abruptly sat up when we entered the otherwise empty room. I reassured him that my photographer, Amanda, and I were not a threat; we simply wanted to capture him in his natural state. So, he skeptically laid back as a banana’d orangutan from a cage cleaner.
Upon learning his major, I inquired about what music instrument he played and he upstaged my imaginary musician ego self with the response of “Violin, guitar, drums, bass and vocals.”
He wore an NYPD shirt that stated the motto “To Protect and Serve.” I have to admit, the t-shirt’s claim was a little intimidating but not enough to deter me from fucking with him.
Me: “Are the allegations true?”
Daniel: “About… what?”
You know damn well what, you son-of-a-bitch!
I turned to my photographer and we both agreed that Daniel was avoiding the question. It was on to the next…
Me: “How many times would you say you lie in a given month?”
And that’s “lie” not “lay” – I don’t have the mathematical aptitude to compute that, Daniel.
Daniel: “At least twice.”
At least twice, huh? Clever answer, Daniel, clever answer.
Me: “Are the GMO’s bad for us, or are they just a hipster band from the future?”
Daniel: “Bad for us.”
Such a short answer, and he seemed somewhat put off. Maybe I spoiled a future musical project.
(Actually, it turns out that, in fact, The GMO’s are what look to be a crappy, middle-aged 4-piece from Canada.)
Me: “What is the meaning of life?”
(I’m searching as of late.)
Daniel: “The meaning of life is to live it.”
Hey, Confucious, keep your goddamn riddles to yourself!
Me: If you were an alien, what would be your most favoritist color?
I bet you $100 it’s green.
Damn right it’s green. The only color humans can conceive of aliens being is green.
I filled Amanda in on my reasoning as to why I knew he was going to say green. (Because the image that everyone has in their head of an alien is green.) She seemed very impressed as she exclaimed, “Uh-huh.”)
Me: “Do you know what spelunking is?”
Of course he doesn’t, and neither do you. And if you do, don’t bother filling me in because I refuse to ever know the meaning of “spelunking.” (I think it has to do with looking for rocks.)
Daniel: “Uh, I can’t remember at the moment, but I’m pretty sure I do.”
Well, Daniel, that’s the same as not knowing – so don’t give me that bullshit!
Me: “Have you ever thought about being involved in an orgy?”
Daniel was really emphatic about his lack of orgiastic imagination, which surprised me and made me feel a bit creepy. Is thinking about orgies that rare?
We left Daniel where he lay. I have talked to Daniel in passing since the interview, and I am always a bit put off by his guarded orgiastic fantasy life. And I keep plenty of bananas on me just in case he’s on duty.