SFUAD Olympics

Posted by Andrew Koss in Campus

“If I die, I’m going to Valhalla,” screamed Emery Mulligan, beneath an oversized, plastic sumo suit. “Shiny and chrome!”

Members of the Student Activities Board (SAB) assisted him in putting on his gloves. He stepped into the circle, facing Myles Hammer, whose already burgeoning head of hair was topped with a faux chonmage helmet. Mulligan’s team, Legs for Days, was up against Hammer’s team, McLovin, in the SFUAD Olympics. Like most of the face-offs on Sept. 27, the match didn’t last long. After a brief struggle, Hammer pushed Mulligan out of the ring. Mulligan attempted to thrust back at Hammer, but the force knocked him onto the ground and he had to be helped up again.

The events took place on the Quad in front of the bandshell and next to King Hall. Six teams met to challenge each other for the coveted Olympic medals and the glory of Amazon gift cards. The teams faced each other one on one, and with each win were awarded a victory point. Emily Curley, a member of SAB for the first time this year, was very excited about all of the events the group has put together already. “We’ve had a water fight, a glow dance, dodgeball and Uno night so far,” she said. “It’s all I spend my time doing, but it’s worth it.”

Unfortunate Orgasms vs Friendly White Neighbors at tug-of-war. Photo by Christy Marshall

If students weren’t taking part in the activities, they were sitting on the sidelines, cheering on their friends. “Go, motherfucker, go!” yelled one spectator as he watched a match of tug-of-war. Most of the cheering included expletives of one kind or another. It was not uncommon to hear curses pouring forth from the mouths of the players, either. “My hands!” cried an Olympian, his palms burnt by the tug of the thick, yellow rope. Rufino Medrano dropped to the ground as his team managed to drag its opponents across the grass for a win. “I felt like a badass,” Medrano said.

Medrano’s team, the Unfortunate Orgasms, nearly didn’t play in the day’s games, as several members dropped out before the event. Most teams played with five to six players while the Unfortunate Orgasms played with only four. In addition to Medrano, the team consisted of: Lucian Orsinger, Amelia Gerske and Tre Bracey. Their colorful team name, provided by SFUAD Film major Shantanu Sagara, was just one of many unusual monikers encountered at the games.

Myles Hammer’s team, McLovin, took its name from the 1997 comedy Superbad. Hammer stormed the volleyball pit without a shirt, his chest and arms covered in hand-drawn tattoos, his afro bouncing with every move. Brenda Lemieux sat in the lifeguard chair, refereeing the matches. Lemieux played volleyball herself for five years. As part of SAB, she says she and her fellow board members collaborated on planning the event and choosing which games would be played. “There’s goat heads on the ball,” she shouted, just after Niko’a Salas kicked the volleyball over the net.

“This isn’t soccer,” someone reminded him.

Myles Hammer & Emery Mulligan compete at jousting. Photo by Christy Marshall

Hammer rallied his team to victory, defeating the fledgling Satan’s Cupcakes. The Cupcakes took on the impressive Falcons in another match later in the day, but were defeated once again. “It was a rough game,” said Michael Hatfield. The Cupcakes were unable to win a single game throughout the day’s activities. “I feel like Sarah Palin,” said Christian Riddle. Nevertheless, the team continued on with the challenges, refusing to concede.

On the other side of the Quad, Austin Creswell ran the jousting event, which took place in a giant, blowup ring. Contestants wielded red and blue pugil sticks and took each other on American Gladiators style. It was Hammer versus Mulligan again, as their teams gathered around and let the trash talk fly. Hammer knocked Mulligan from his platform and bellowed a primal victory cry. He managed to take out one more player before he was defeated by Michael Marin. It was a swift victory for Legs for Days once Marin took to the ring. “I’m loving it,” Mulligan shouted, shoving his middle finger in Hammer’s face. The strong gesture was par for the course at the day’s games, but was taken in stride.

The two teams followed up jousting with the obstacle course. In another blow-up arena, McLovin and Legs for Days lined up and entered the course one at a time, buffeting their way through orange and yellow barriers and diving through tunnels. It was Legs for Days’ third win, ending with opponent Myles Hammer lying upside down, his afro pressed against the grass and his legs upended on the inflatable course.

McLovin competes against Friendly White Neighbors in the balloon toss. Photo by Christy Marshall

Back on the AstroTurf, the opening strains of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” sounded out of Maria Salazar’s phone while teams gathered for the water balloon toss. Forty to 50 balloons bobbed inside a large, yellow bucket. Salazar’s team, the Friendly White Neighbors, competed against McLovin. Two members of each team took turns tossing water balloons back and forth, gradually moving further apart, until they either dropped the balloon three times or the balloon popped. Brendan Boyle, who suffered an injury to his MCL just days before, took to the field with Salazar in one of the few events in which he could participate without doing further damage to his leg. When the balloon exploded in Salazar’s face, she responded by grabbing a balloon from the bucket and smashing it against Boyle’s chest. It wasn’t the only time there was an unscheduled H₂O casualty. By the end of the day, nearly every player had at least one splotch of water soaking through their shirt. When asked about the success of the balloon toss, game runner Meg Colburn said, “It was fun. People like throwing things at each other.”

Other events included a sack race, Ping-Pong and the Ski Race, for which contestants stood on wooden boards with ropes attached and attempted to walk in tandem across the Quad. Their left feet aligned on one wooden plank, and their right feet resting on the other, Legs for Days marched over the artificial grass. They tugged at the ropes, chanting, “Left, right,” in unison to keep themselves synchronized. They were unable to defeat the Unfortunate Orgasms, as they fell to the ground while attempting to circle around at the end of the field. Satan’s Cupcakes had one more shot against the resilient Falcons in the Ski Race. They put up a good fight, but the turn proved to be their downfall as well. The Falcons continued on with their brisk pace, singing “When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again” all the way to the finish line.

When everyone had completed the Olympic trials, they reconvened at the bandshell to hear the results of the competition. Legs for Days came in third place, also winning the spirit award. Each team member received a $10 Regal Cinema gift card. The impressive Falcons took the silver and wore their medals proudly upon their heads. The first place prize went to the Unfortunate Orgasms as a shower of chocolate coins rained down upon them. SAB member Riley Gardner gave them $20 Amazon gift cards, after which the team flexed their muscles for the camera. “We came in late to the game,” Lucian Orsinger said. “Three quarters of our team weren’t here, but we won.”